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Saved (Spike/Xander, PG-13/R)
Saved (Spike/Xander, PG-13)

Title:  Saved
Author:  baudown
Rating: PG-13/R? (a sex act)
Pairing:  Spike/Xander
Disclaimer:  I didn't make them, and I don't own them.  But I love them.
Feedback:  PLEASE!!!
Summary:  Season 4 AU.  Why Xander doesn't want Spike to stay in the basement.
Note:  This happened today, while working on something that's had me stuck in the same spot, endlessly tinkering, for days.  So I'm using this as an exercise in finishing something fast, and letting go of it.  Forgive it its flaws.
Note 2:  There is a companion piece -- Grace


I said no, not here. Not with me.

I said no, because I was afraid.

Not of what he might do to me. Not that he might hurt me. But that proximity might allow him to see. The wonder of it, that he hadn't seen, already. That no one had, but me.

And now, nothing but these few paces separating us, and words. Distance closing. So hard to look, so hard to look away. My eyes on him, every moment. Am I hiding it?

The black and white of him. The sharpness of his angles, the looseness of his limbs. The obscenities spilling from the mouth of an angel. The tightness of muscle beneath yielding skin. Everything extreme, opposite, perfection. Ruinous. And the thing that vibrates around him, or from him, that begs to be touched, that would burn me if I tried.

Rope against skin and cotton, so beautiful, it hurts the eye. The gift of being the one to place it there. The mesmerizing repetition as it wraps around -- one, two, three, four times -- like a ritual. Like prayer. Like doing penance for the sin of impure thoughts. The sin, or the blessing.

If I kneel, head bowed, at his feet. If I lie upon the ground, worshipping, a supplicant. Would he lay hands upon me, then? Would I be healed? Or would it kill me?

Did his thighs tremble, as I stripped the cloth away? He was hard, already. I think it was for me. The wetness there, for me. The juddering sigh as my hand closes around him. The surprise of breath stirring my hair, the hand clasping my neck. The sudden illumination: this, the purpose of my mouth, my tongue, my throat. The smell of him, so faint, but he tastes dark and bitter, when he comes. That's part of him, inside me, now. And when I come, too, like a boy, without being touched, that's how strong it is. How strong he is. If I could just die, now, feeling this way, please, Spike.

I lay my cheek upon his hip, and it's sharp, so I can feel it. My arms around his waist, holding on. I won't drown. Whatever happens now, if there's shame, and pain, if he recoils from me, if there's so much more I desire, but can never have, I've had this.

And then his hand, and from his lips, my name.

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I have a great love of opposites such as Xander's litany regarding Spike. This is stunning.

Yes, opposites. I love them, too. One of the many reasons I love Spike. Just a beautiful mass of contradiction. Thank you so much for responding.

Oh my goodness... this reads like a prayer. Xander filled with so many conflicting thoughts, then to act and be rewarded when he expected something worse.


Thanks so much! That's the tone I was going for.

Very nice. Spike's opposites are what makes him so interesting.

Thank you! Yea, Spike is very special that way.

That was so beautiful! ..!!! *off to check your journal*

Thank you! Not too much to check there, though.

Oh. My. God.

So wonderful, so sad (and yes, those hipbones are sharp enough to cut your face on......)

So very very good! Oh I do hope they have lots and lots of sex now.

My favorite line: The sudden illumination: this, the purpose of my mouth, my tongue, my throat.

Thank you!
I hope they have lots of sex, too. Somehow, I haven't been able to write it yet. This is as close as I've gotten. Not sure why.

OH I'm just happy to know that it's going on inside your head. You don't have to write about it.

hehehehe..... I sent Von Gelmini here and he loved it. Hehehehehe I got him reading Spander ; )

so beautiful and poetic. xander's desire was so intense. and the last, such a relief. fantastic.

Thanks! Really happy you liked it!

wow, great job with this, wonderfully written and very intense, the longing and fear of rejection and resignation. The details and descriptions just made this. Wonderful work, keep it up :)

I'm so glad you enjoyed it. Than you for commenting.

Another gem!

Thank you for sharing!

I'm so flattered that you've been woking your way through my list! Thanks!

Oh this is so intense and has the feel of rightness about the way Xander might react.
I am so glad it's too wet to be anywhere else but here today.

Ok, so I gather that you're doing a mini-marathon of reading my stuff, which is what I do when I find someone whose work I like, so this is incredibly flattering. Really. I had a terrible day yesterday, and woke up in a bad mood this morning, and you've totally turned that around for me. Thank you.

Lalalalaloooove, haha. You know what I'm doing in my spare time these days, right? And I loooove doing it.

Hee! You're spending it with me! Thanks!

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